Questions 31 & 32
INP - I'll Never Policymaking
A distinction needs to be made between inflexible personal policies that impose themselves inappropriately and adaptable personal policies that help guide our decision-making. The maladjusted policymaking is applied less consciously. It is more reactive than the adaptive type. People who practice this maladjusted type of coping are attempting to avoid dreaded realities. These feared realities are usually forms of emotional deprivation or victimization. The practitioner of Iíll Never Policymaking will have absolute rules like: "I will never let that happen to me!" ďMy children will never be brought up that way!Ē Even though the Iíll Never Policymaking may be clearly justified, it creates problems because it imposes itself inappropriately. This means that the person using this form of coping makes perceptual errors. The policymaking ironically does not provide the hoped-for protection; in fact, it often inadvertently generates the very thing it fears. In other words, hoping to avert deprivation fixates the mind on the feared object. Thus the practitioner of this coping mode vigilantly seeks the thing that is feared. ďAm I being deprived of the validation I need?Ē ďIs my child being allowed to go undisciplined?Ē There is consequently an apprehensive anxiety or worry.
Incidences of deprivation or deception generate a sense of horror and trigger the coping mode. The maladjusted coping mode functions more like a survival mechanism than a preference. A modest deprivation, like not being adequately attended, is experienced as a serious infraction because it is triggering a do or die, zero-tolerance response.
The conditional assumption associated with this coping mode is: "If I keep my Iíll Never Policy, then I'll be OK. But, if I do not keep my Iíll Never policy, then I will not be OK." In these cases being "OK" usually means ďnot being forgotten or victimized. Sometimes this coping mode will cluster with other compensatory coping modes like Directing and Controlling or Being Judgmental.
The cost of using Iíll Never Policymaking can be measurable. It generally interferes in primary relationships rather than casual or business relationships. The policymaking generates zero-tolerance reactions. The person practicing Iíll Never Policymaking will tend to want to train or condition cherished people to be vigilant so as not to trigger the reactive survival response. Thus they burdened or even oppress cherished people, making them responsible for their emotional wounds.
Record your answers to the following questions in your JOURNAL:
This Compensatory Mode is active in my life. The evidence that confirms this is as follows:
This Compensation Mode is not active in my life. The evidence that refutes this is as follows: